It Gets the Best of Us, Sooner or Later Part 1

My aunt  passed away on Monday of lung cancer.  Bringing the total count of family deaths from cancer in the last 18 months to three.  My family isn't that big to begin with and every little death is increasing the number on the other team.

I bring this up because death and illness tend to shatter bi-national couples.  They have  most certainly  done a number on my relationship with Alison if you consider I came back to the States 20 months ago to take of my Mom dying of skin cancer and never returned to England.

I called Alison about my Aunt Nancy passing she said, "I don't mean any disrespect and I hate to say this, but I'm glad you were out there when she died."  And yes, I was too. And I feel guilty about it. Grossly disgustingly guilty. Alison said the same thing when my step mom, Leslie, died last year of breast cancer. Again, I was "happy" to be back in the States. Again, I was grossly disgustingly guilty.  I'm sure the hell not happy they died, but I'm happy to be with my family under these caustic circumstances.

The feeling of relief  I was around when they passed intermingles with guilt of them dying to begin with.  Would I rather they live longer and I would be settled in England? Would I rather they pass quickly and I'm in the States?  I can't change outcomes, but these selfish human questions linger in my head like the stale stench of  liquor after a night on the town.

Cost: No monetary amount can ever equal the loss of a beloved family member or friend, nor can it express itself  in terms of being present with family for support and to be supported.